You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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