I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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