If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
