What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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