does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
