Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
