I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
