You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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