His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
