He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
