Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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