i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
