you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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