and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
