It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?