Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.