i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot