I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
True strength comes from lack of pants