I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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