So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
