Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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