If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
