be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
