just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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