i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
