you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
