So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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