He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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