You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
