Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
