i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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