can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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