dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the raccoons are back...
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