My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They took my balls.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
