I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
