if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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