I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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