I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
