if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
