Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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