it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
