I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
