apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
