you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
