So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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