I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
