Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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