My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
