Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have aggressive nipples.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
