Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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