They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
