Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
