I am puke
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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