I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
