There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
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Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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