I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
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Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
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Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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