i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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