Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
