i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
