I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
