so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
