She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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