Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize